6 Months

My baby. My 4th baby. My LAST baby just turned 6 months old. I reflect on his life and the journey we have been on together as a family. From the day we found out I was pregnant and how sci fi it is to grow a human inside me to yesterday, when he sat up and toppled over in his dragon costume. There's no denying the miracle of life is incredible.

The kids were excited to celebrate his half burthday, so we had family dinner and a store-bought cake. We sang our rendition of a half birthday song and cheered him on for being half a year old. I am glad the kids were so excited and made such fanfare, because even though I also was excited for the occassion, I also realized that it has been six months and I am nowhere close to where I thought I would be at this point with my CRPS. Let's go back to last September when I started throwing up my duloxetine every morning. It was my huband that brought up the idea of taking a pregnancy test. Obviously, it was positive. In an instant, plans are brewing for both my husband and I as we make room for one more in our life. And then it dawns on me, that I am probably throwing up these meds because they are bad for baby. I stopped them all cold turkey. And, I will tell all of you to never do that. You should wean yourself off. Talk to your doctor first and make a plan.There are some very negative side effects of stopping like I did, but luckily I was ok. I can tell you exactly when the meds were out of my body, because the pain crept in with a vengeance. I had no idea how much the meds were helping. I have never experienced pain like I did when I was pregnant. It started in my injured arm. Then one day, I was laying on the floor of my living room scream crying. It felt as though metal rods were inside every vertebrae and they were all trying to break their way out. The pain was truly ineffable. When I think back to that moment, all I see is darkness and flashing lights as my body writhers from pain. Harry Potters fans: think Cruciatius curse. That day I ended up in ER and finally got to a manageable place before gokng home. The next few months, the CRPS spread to my right leg and then my left. I couldn't walk, I couldn't drive. I had a difficult time getting from my bed to the bathroom by myself. I found myself unconsciously fasting to limit bathroom trips altogether. Then, once the third trimester hit, baby was developed enough that my body could handle some meds. I got back on one and had to titrate up to an efficient dose. I threw up everything for two weeks until my body adjusted to the meds and I felt some relief. Praise the Lord! A little bit of light in my tunnel. I was also able to get a lumbar block for my leg. That experience, while pregnant, was rough. However,my foot felt way better and I could drive again and walk a little bit with a cane. I still couldn't walk hills, so I needed my wheelchair, but I could get out of the house now. During the darkest time, I started seeing a pain psychologist and he changed my life. With his help, the meds, and nerve blocks during the third trimester, I started on a road to recovery. I made myself some goals. For example, we had a trip planned for July, and I wanted to be able to walk without assistive devices. (I did!) And, in November I wanted to be able to walk a 5K (no effing way that can happen.). Then, the pain started breaking through even more and as I got closer to his possible arrival I had to stop certain meds again. My left leg hurt to effing bad. When I woke, slept, sat, walked, rested... it didn't matter. My leg was killing me. My OB could tell it was getting bad. He told me to come into the hospital and he would do a full workup. So, I hobble my ass into the hospital (barely) and when I get there, they put me on the monitor onky to find out I was in full active labor about to have a baby. I had no effing clue. All I could think about was the pain in my leg. They kept telling me all this baby info and I just kept asking for something to help with the pain in my leg. I honestly could not feel the contractions. And, yes, I have 3 other kids and when I went into labor was asking for an epidural for the lanor pains, so I kkow it hurts. My leg hurt THAT much worse. That example is the best I can give to explain how painful it really is. So, I go into a csection surgery about 2 hours later. That anesthesiologist completely numbed the lower half of my body. I wanted to kiss him! I couldn't feel my legs! It was true, true bliss! My husband comes in and asks how I'm doing (we had never done the csection thing before) and I was absolutely giddy about not being able to feel my legs. And on top of that, I get to meet my baby?! Best. Day. EVER. The next three days in the hospital went by so easily. Baby was great. My legs still had no pain. And recovering from my first csection felt like I had done too many situps, so it was sore when I laughed too hard. This was a honeymoon period for about 12 more days. Then, the pain came back. Lik,e, it never left in the first place. Back to blocks and meds and all that. I got approved to do a 3 day ketamine trial and it helped, but it needed more and insurance won't approve more. So we started working on new options and adding more meds. I am trying everything. Like, if your grandma's great aunt from Monte Carlos has some secret trick to fix pain.... I will try it. I am disappointed that I am not continuously improving. I am disappointed that I cannot work my regular job. I will relish the fact that I can spend more time with my family. I will keep trying everything. I want to run around with my kids again. I want to do activities with my hands with them. I want to be able to carry them around on a whim and not fear I will drop them. I still have goals and I will keep pushing toward them.

#crps #journey #twostepsforward #twostepsback #tunnel #6months #crpsandpregnant #painfulpregnancy #ineffablepain