Invisible Illnesses

CRPS can be visible. When I use a cane. When I have sores all over my arms. When I use a wheelchair. When I need to use compression gloves. When I limp. When my hand turns into a twisted claw. When painsomnia has me looking like an effing hot mess. Or the ridiculous amount of weight I have gained from not being able to walk more than a few steps at a time. The list goes on.

Even as I write that list of visible symptoms, I cringe. Nobody will tell you that any of those symptoms are sexy. (Well, maybe my husband, but only because he loves me too much!) These are the things that we try to hide or disguise. The things we don't even want to see in ourselves. Yet, most of the time other people don't even notice these things.

I wear long sleeves to cover the sores. I wear brighr lipstick and mirrored sunglasses to have people focus on my face. I push a stroller, which disguises my limp. I smile, even when I'm hurting badly. I found the most amazing under eye perfector (link below) to help me look like I slept all night, even if it was just a couple of broken hours.

Most of the time, people don't see anything majorly different in people with invisible diseases. Anything that would distinguish the illness, we hide. But then, people forget there is anything wrong at all and we get called lazy.

I can't tell you how many times I get everyone's input on how to feel better, too. If I eat this or don't eat that. If I just exercise or ice or CBD. If I slept better or heating pad or tens unit. If I drink a magic tea. I'm not going to lie, I try them all -if you tell me a black flower from Iceland is going to fix me, I will get it and try it. But, I'm not just achy from being overweight or injured anymore. The pain I have is worse than active labor when having a baby. And for me, my pain, it's not a tendon or a ligament or muscle. It is a malfunction of my peripheral nervous system. Meds help, treatments help, but I will still have bad days.

"Overdoing it" used to be rubbing a 10k. I signed up for one before all of this, after too many glasses (bottles) of wine. And I wasnt ready. It was damn hard, but I finished! And still went to work the next day! Now, "overdoing it" is folding too many clothes at one time, setting my shoulder on fire! Or, walking 100 yards from the car to where I need to be. Or, the absolute worst - showering! Showering is a sick hell with CRPS. Imagine each drop of water is like an ultra fine shard of glass cutting into you. It's something like that. It's ineffable. And, it involves a lot of tears, bad words and usually followed by vomiting and sweat. After showering, a solid two hour recovery is absolutely necessary. And this js better than it was at the same time last year. Last year, I needed a two day recovery. It's the worst!

Anyway, I got a little side tracked here with all that shower talk! But, it is a perfect example of the things people with invisible illnesses deal with that the average person takes completely for granted. I used to take it for granted.

I used to take a lots of things for granted, like pencil eyeliner, holding cups, writing, walking on grass, walking barefoot , and so much more. And, I just have to deal with these things as this is my new reality. I can continue to wait until it's better, but when will that be? Maybe I am as good as I will get. If that's the case, then I have the choice to keep showing up and smiling, even when it seems impossibly hard.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that everyone has their own shit to deal with. But if you know someone has an invisible disease or illness, check in every once in a while. Acknowledge them showing up to your party, even if only for a short while or if they just sat in the living room the whole time. I'm not asking for sympathy, but it is nice to know that your friends and family understand that just showing up to anything is more of an effort than the average person.

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