Second Thoughts About Going Under the Knife

I think any sane person would at some point have cold feet about doctors messing with their spine. Right? Or second thoughts about surgery - will it be worth it? The relief from the trial seems like ages ago and the pain since has been steady. And, now I have to have two surgeries!? Two mother lovin' times of getting knocked out. Two times of spending a day at the surgery center. Two times that my husband has to take off work. Two times that I have to go through recovery. Two times that I will be given strict restrictions. Is this going to be worth it? They hope so.

But, today, after a weekend with lots of games and practices and needing to carrying my 10 month old baby. Today, I am in severe pain, even for me. I wanted to just fall to my knees in the middle of the sidewalk multiple times today. Crumple to the ground and give up. But, I stayed strong. Until about 4:45pm. Then, I screamed into a pillow, cried, put on my pajamas, and locked myself in my room. And it's not a question of IF the surgeries will make me better. They HAVE to make me better. I cannot settle for life like this. I cannot live like this forever. It's inhumane. It's cruel.

Tomorrow, I go to my pre-op appointment. Apparently they need to do a chest xray and an EKG.... is this because I'm old now? I have had a few surgeries in my life and never had to do this before! And, so I hope it all goes smoothly and I get cleared. Nine days left til surgery day. And, I'm looking forward to it, ultimately. Even if I get cold feet now and again. But, I think that's just a simple reminder that I am human. A human about to be cyborg - ya, ending on a bad joke.