The Guilt of Pain

I could write a whole other blog on the pain of guilt, but that's not what I am talking about today. I have discovered there are basically three guilts of pain:

1. The guilt of inability

2. The guilt of burden

3. The guilt of joy

THE GUILT OF INABILITY

This could also be known as "the guilt of always saying no". No, I can't carry that to the car. No, I cant meet you at the mall. No, I can't go on vacation. No, I can't wait in line. No, I can't hang out tonight. No, I can't fill out that form. No, I can't drive that far. It effing sucks. I love to say yes! But, the pain is too much and I save as much energy or ability as I can for my family.

THE GUILT OF BURDEN

A lot of the guilt of inability can spiral here and I just hate that people have to do much for me. I feel like I should just thank people here. Thank you to Jessica for walking my kindergartener to my car everyday after school, so I didn't have to walk. Thank you to Dena for bringing home my preschooler when I couldn't drive and keeping her for lunch when Inhad therapy. Thank you to my husband for becoming a single dad and caregiver who has been supportive, who has dished some tough love, and who has kept me motivated and focused on the end game. I could probably write an entire thank you blog, which I might actually do one day.

And, I do try to thank everyone. And I smile. But I just want to be able to do it all myself in the first place.

THE GUILT OF JOY

I feel a guilt or embarrassment that people will see me as someone abusing the system. You all know someone - a friend, an acquaintance, a colleague, or family member - who takes advantage of everything they can for free, while we work our asses off. Well, now being someone with an "invisible disease" and unable to work at the moment, I feel like everyone is watching what I do. If I post something fun on social media, then they will think that if I can go to a baby shower, then I should be able to work. Or, if I am at my daughter's softball tournament all day, then I should be able to work.

Obviously, if you were the one telling me those thoughts, I would tell you to 'screw what other people think'! It's hard to take my own advice, though. There have been times that I was out to lunch with a friend and even felt guilty laughing, because someone I knew from work was there. How dumb is that?! Just because I can find my JOY in life, in spite of chronic pain, does not make me capable of returning to work.

It's what people DON'T see. It's the pain afterwards that kept me up until 5am that night. It's the four day recovery after an easy outing. It's the injection in my neck the week before that even allowed me to get out in the first place. It's the week of prep to get myself to that baby shower. It's not letting myself miss out on life because of something I had to do at work three years ago. It's not losing myself and my family to this shit disease.